tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27301270.post5553081995518412437..comments2008-11-19T19:24:32.435-05:00Comments on UM Writers' Community: Sidewalk HookerUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27301270.post-76534408001720788912007-12-06T16:53:00.000-05:002007-12-06T16:53:00.000-05:00Thanks for the comments guys. About the second sta...Thanks for the comments guys. About the second stanza, though, the bit "coloured and re-coloured so much that she doesn’t know whether it was blond to begin with, black to end with, corrupted to brown all along the way" is at a different pace from the rest of it. It's sort of, I guess, like a fast paced interlude, and then, I repeat 'her hair' because I'm coming back to the original pace and Namihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04478358675782654975noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27301270.post-17591853718387572942007-11-26T10:30:00.000-05:002007-11-26T10:30:00.000-05:00I didn't notice that before, but she's right. If y...I didn't notice that before, but she's right. If you take out the descriptive phrase, you get, "her head is down and her hair ... her hair cascades...", so I'd say either restructure it as Rachel mentioned, or just get rid of the second "her hair"Ankithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11046782740721830353noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27301270.post-4616837310143578802007-11-20T13:55:00.000-05:002007-11-20T13:55:00.000-05:00I really like this poem. The one thing that throw...I really like this poem. The one thing that throws me off and kind of bothers me is the last sentence of the second stanza. It seems syntactically awkward to me to repeat "her hair". I think if you meant to use repetition for a purpose, it loses its force because the chunk between the repeated phrase is so big. I think the sentence would flow better if you just said "Her head is down and her Rachel Bhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12855910584070168477noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27301270.post-23916254820316619732007-11-19T23:55:00.000-05:002007-11-19T23:55:00.000-05:00I agree. Granted, I don't usually have a litany of...I agree. Granted, I don't usually have a litany of nitpicks, but it's mostly just good. Though I'm not quite sure how I feel about the line "Drops the sleeve off the other"Ankithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11046782740721830353noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27301270.post-47046053521044248582007-11-13T16:37:00.000-05:002007-11-13T16:37:00.000-05:00You know, I rather like this. I don't even have my...You know, I rather like this. I don't even have my usual litany of nitpicks to contribute.Jamalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16064457883548496238noreply@blogger.com