Sparkling light, incandescent and free
Eyes closed, there you’ll be
In the fore of thought
Too bright, away it can’t be bought
No sum owns it, the idea,
No object of prosperity.
The old Good, the now Bad
Captivating, yes, walking away but
Looking back, don’t! or stone
Standing still, you will be, but
Too late, eyes in back
Search from whence you came
Blind to the other way, opposite
A backwards conundrum
Frozen in a spot, uncomfortably
And without recourse.
Like an ancient eyeing the arrival
of something grand, but
something not such, yet
grand for you, who’s to say no?
All that lives is a memory,
To reinforce the creaking stony joints
From breaking entirely, underneath
Between the ears, a force
The gravity of realization: Oh.
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Any feedback is appreciated!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
In Retrospect
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2 comments:
It's interesting. I like the idea it's trying to convey, but it doesn't flow easily. Some of the constructions don't read well.
This could have something to do with me getting a vague sort of feeling from most of the piece. I want more concrete images. The end does a good job with this, especially the "creaking stony joints" part. :)
I also have issues with the "it" brought in right at the beginning. I *think* it's the "Oh" that's finally brought in at the end, but I'm not sure. It just feels like the "it" has a really abrupt entrance.
I agree. It would be nice to see less abstraction and more concreteness. Or at least more detail and depth to those abstractions which are most important to the piece. I feel like it jumps around a lot.
I love the end though.
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