Slowly trudging through the sludge,
Amidst mass chaos beneath grey skies,
She fought.
Fight did she by day, by night,
Clung to her last allies of hope:
Her crystal rain, whose mother the black clouds of death
Guarded from the sun.
Despair did she not,
For one day her sun would shine,
One day pierce the shadow.
But what when dwell in sole dark?
Mortality of those
Whom once we thought invincible
Harshly proves us wrong
As cower we in fear
At that very prospect of unknown.
And so the gruesome mask of death
Casts its ruthless shadow upon her innocent face.
And she, liberated to that sunny land,
Forever shall remain a mystery of the past.
-Nirmish Singla
For now I'm posting this under my username, but it might be transferred to his if he makes an account.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
An Elegy for Her
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2 comments:
You sound like Yoda. Change/Get rid of some of your verbs.
Welcome, Nirmish!
This poem is a sad and admiring tribute, written with sentimentality but not overly-sentimental. I like that the first stanza is assertive and positive, whereas the second one reflects the speaker's fear and sorrow a little more. Nice touch.
As Ankit pointed out, some of your sentence structures seem wonky, and it stops the flow of the poem. I'm particularly curious about the line "But what when dwell in sole dark?". The idea of "sole dark" is very interesting, and I liek it, but the "what when" part is really confusing. Maybe it should be "But what ("can be done"? "can we expect"? I'm not sure what you meant) when WE dwell in sole dark"? Just go back through and edit it for clarity.
Also, get an account so you can post/comment on your own :)
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