Monday, November 05, 2007

Any last minute suggestions?


It’s so easy to slip
into your arms
delicate as silk,
wrapping soft
around my body

I swear I’ll molt
and turn
into a butterfly
if you let me
just a bit longer
and longer
and longer

I think it’s time for me to go.

Where are my wings?

I need my cocoon.


Nami said...

I love this version Rachel. I must admit that I wasn't too keen on the original. This is gorgeous though.
Personally, I think the punctuation adds a lot to it, and it's really effective because it isn't excessive. You found zigackly the right places to put it.
Hmm..random title the top of my head so don't raise your eyebrows laughingly. Slipping, Silk Love, Unfolding, Silk Embrace.
I still like Cocoon though.

Ankit said...

I almost want periods after all the longers. But I'll leave that to you. I'm not a huge fan of "Flying on my Own" but "Unfolding" is good...I'm not sure if I just like them being one word, but the one word titles just seem better to me :P

Rachel B said...

i fixed the format...i didn't realize it wasn't showing up the first time.

Neil said...

I love the changes you made! The poem feels much more polished and the impact is stronger.

I like "Butterfly" for a title.