Thursday, November 01, 2007


11/01 Version:

A bee floats by on the tune of a bird
and lands on a nearby flower,
petals beckoning.
And I

I, an intruder, part of that race:
The one that created
the plane that roars overhead
the peace.

Until I realize that
we're nature, too.

they're all living,
not thinking about
parading beauty.

no vanity here
from the flowers,
and bees.

just being.
just like us.

i'm no outsider.

Disclaimer: Still working on the title. See old versions on the Post Page

10/29 version:

Bees are buzzing, crickets are chirping and flowers are blooming.
And I
am watching.

I, an intruder, am part
of that race:
The one that created
the plane that roars overhead.
the peace.

Until I realize that
We're Nature, too.

They're all living.
Not thinking about
radiating beauty.

No vanity here
from the flowers,
and bees.

Just like us.

I'm no outsider.


Jamal said...

1 - I agree that this sounds a bit formulaic. What do bees do besides buzz, crickets besides chirp, flowers besides bloom? Use unexpected verbs here, that'll discourage us from just skimming the first lines, and it'll make us think about what you mean more.
2 - watching, not admiring. When in doubt, Germanic roots!!
3 - I rather like we're here.
4 - maybe blazing, though the ensuing alliteration might not work well, which brings us to. . .
5 - replace beauty with something else. Maybe a synonym, but a related concept might be good here too. Or a different part of speech - howsabout beautifully?

The second stanza contains "and intruder" where it should be "an intruder".

I wouldn't capitalize nature.

I'd also remove the ellipsis from the penultimate stanza.

Jeremy L said...

i think it's interesting how you're able to divide up the poem like that- like lines of code that are giving you errors, only their errors in your creative processes rather than logical processes- very engineer of you.

I agree with Jamal about the first line- throw in some unexpected words here to draw us into the piece.

again, I agree that watching would be better for #2, and we're fits more appropriately because "the one" that you mention is the race- you're making connections not only between yourself and nature, but the race as a whole.

for 4 & 5: this is where you are making your point, that these things in nature are not vain, so really the concept of beauty should be presented; however, the general feeling seems to be that beauty stated as such is not good for the poem. try out different words and concepts that are related until one fits to your liking, and you'll have it.

nice work.

fizah said...

1. yeah, agree with both jamal and jeremy that these might be better with different adjectives.
2. i prefer watching!
3. we're seems appropriate.
4.hmm. maybe "parading" might work here?

great idea for a poem!