in a separate reality, you didn't leave me for her
and we wake up in the same bed
and i'll make eggs the way you like them
(sunny side up)
we'll laugh
over unsung fights
over tired arguments
over former lovers.
In the mornings, when i wake up
with the lingering sense of stillness
the apparent void of you
i think of this parallel universe
and we are so, so happy
like we always were.
And this is how
I don't cry over us anymore.
-------------
1) i need a title.
2) I don't like the last two lines but that is the basic idea of this whole poem.
3) should i add more details?
4) what do u guys think?
Thanks!
6 comments:
I think more details would be good, but not necessarily length. Just replace "tired arguments over former lovers" with a specific argument about a specific lover. In regards to the last couple lines, I'm a little confused, actually, because if I was thinking about all those happy things, I would want to cry more... heh. Maybe explain a little more how the narrator can feel content just thinking of the happy past? Title.... I kind of like "sunny side up" because because it's like picking the happy side of two possible outlooks on the relationship. I'm not sure what I'd do with the sunny side up in the poem, but if you like that idea, I'm sure you can think of something else.
I'm afraid this is going to continue my habit of leaving comments that lose the forest for the trees, but I'm sure you'll forgive me.
I'm not sure I like "the apparent void of you". Is it an apparent void, or an actual void? I'd give some thought as to replacing apparent with another word. Also, I think it should have commas around it, to make the fact that it's in apposition with "the lingering sense of stillness" clear.
Also, maybe "where we are so, so happy" rather than "and we are so, so happy"? You are happy in the parallel universe, not in real life, ne?
I really like Jenny's idea of "sunny side up" as a title, because that's the kind of parallel universe you're imagining. I think you could title it that and leave it as is--you wouldn't have to change the reference within the poem or anything, since it's just a fleeting mention anyway, but an important detail. In general, I think the amount of detail you have is fine--how can you add specific physical details to conversations you will have in a parallel universe? You current approach deals with that perfectly.
I actually also like the last two lines of the poem; as you said, it gives us the basic idea of the whole poem (if you don't say it, we might wonder WHY the speaker imagines this parallel universe), and I think they make perfect sense that the alternate universe would comfort the speaker.
My only criticisms are of specific lines. Jamal picked up on one already, "the apparent void of you" sounds a little confusing, and I think you could just do away with the apparent. The other one is "unsung fights"--who are the fighters in the fight and why is it unsung?
I'm a big fan of ambiguousness in poetry because I want it to mean enough to me i.e. I don't think you need more details.
A couple of things: I feel it might sound better to say: eggs just the way you like them". maybe that's trite though. It's probably the generic in me that wants to hear that. Don't humour me.
Mm..I agree with Manisha over 'unsung fights'. It's quite confusing, and a little jarring because of that.
I like 'tired arguments' and 'former lovers' though.
I think it should be 'a lingering sense of stillness' (rather than 'the..') and there should be a comma after that.
Um, could it be the stillness FROM the apparent void of you? I don't have an issue with the apparent though.
AND I like the ending.
Oh, and sunny side up is good for the title.
Zomgz Fiza, how did you manage to bump your post?
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