Repost! I actually edited a poem. This is actually for the spoken word CD. Turned out my reading was abhorrent and it needs to be re-recorded. That, and I decided I didn't like one of the lines still. At any rate, here it is, updated:
Get up, pack up, take off
Find a seat, stay awake
"Pay attention, this is important"
Copy now, learn later
Rush across the Diag now
Ignore the biting wind
Leave class, board the bus
Stand somewhere, no place to sit
Bounce with the bus, rocking back and forth
Don't fall on robots sitting all around
Meet in the library with more college drones
Hear the tower toll ten times
Hunger strikes, find food
Start assignments due soon
Check the clock, midnight
Skip the gym, try again tomorrow
Stop.
Sleep.
Repeat.
So the line I dislike is "'Pay attention, this is important'". It seemed out of place. I've been trying to fix it by adding things after it. I'm currently Happy Enough (tm) with what's after it, but it'd be sweet if someone could come up with a better fix.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
kthxbye
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5 comments:
It has been brought to my attention that "head to central after class" is a very weak line, which I agree with. Unfortunately, I'm having trouble coming up with a suitable replacement. Thoughts?
I like "Pay attention, this is important". However, I feel like the line "Skip the gym, try again tomorrow" sort of breaks up the nice rhythm that the poem has toward the end. I don't know why. Maybe "Skip the gym, try another day" or "Skip the gym, some other time". I dunno. Maybe its all those syllables. Just a thought.
I was thinking that, too. But I couldn't come up with a good replacement so I left it. I want "try again tomorrow" to be reduced to two accents and three syllables or as close to that as possible. "some other time" might work, but then there's no action word, which I guess is okay, but it seems to contrast with my other comma'd lines. Can I just get rid of "again"?
"Hunger strikes" is the only line that doesn't start with a command. You may want to replace it for consistency's sake.
Damn. I hadn't realized that. The only thing I can think of is a very weak "Feel hunger, find food" but feel is so...empty.
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