Friday, September 28, 2007

[Rolling out of bed]

This is terrifying really, posting on here. Ha. Ha.

But do be honest, I like criticism. Just don't threaten to stake me head because of such....hmm....what's the word? Oh, of course....such vomit-inducing writing. Ha. Ha. I'm not good with that sort of criticsm. But do criticize please.

[Rolling out of bed]

Rolling out of bed,
rain's falling,
the window pane is
covered in drops
that look like tears.
Go out for lunch,
soup and crackers,
jazz at the
Corner Street Cafe.
There's nothing to do,
I've forgotten it all.
How nice to pretend
it's the end of the world.
There's not a sound,
a walk in the rain
shows the quiet inside.
It's cold,
but the baptized streets
are nice to feel.


Ankit said...

A little confused by:
"There's nothing to do,
I've forgotten it all.
How nice to pretend
it's the end of the world."
It's kind of hard to tell what "it" is referring to. I do, however, like "baptized streets"

Nadia said...

"It" is whatever you make it. Open to interpretation. For me, it's stuff I don't want to remember. Ha.

Manisha said...

Thanks for posting, Nadia!

I really liked the tone and flow of this poem. Also, good word economy--you say a lot despite giving us very little. The short lines work well.

The only place I can recommend improvement is in the lines: "a walk in the rain/ shows the quiet inside"... all your other lines have nice action/description words that contribute to the larger image, but here you go into an abstract that the reader can't relate to without being inside the mind of the narrator. Consider changing that to showing rather than telling.

And I love the last three lines!

(See? Posting wasn't so bad, was it? We don't bite...)

AlexB said...

I agree with Ankit about the lines "There's nothing to do,/I've forgotten it all." These seem to be out of the blue statements in a very observational poem. I've always been told that statements like that can be made in a poem, but only after you've gained the trust of the reader. If you out and say a statement and the reader isn't feeling you, they'll basically say, "Don't tell me how to think!" and go read something else. If you want to keep those lines, try playing with the placement. I think it could work just before the baptized streets line. Plus, the ideas of forgetting and baptism go well together as two means of starting over. Just a thought!

Nice poem, though, it striked up a profound mood in an efficient, to-the-point way.

Nadia said...

Changing the placement does sound like a very good idea. Why not give it a try?