He wakes up today,
his face, covered in a wool.
All the same to him. For too long
he has been living in his damn...
fiction...cloaked reality.
Forgot that this was his way,
his idea to get through that
adolescent witch hunt. Still,
living in that dreaded era.
His sweater that covered his body
now disguises his mind and soul...
His being that still lives
under it all. How I long
to tear that fucking costume!
Free him of the herd!
Pull him out, as if from a womb!
Knowing he's there rips at me!
My friend, come back to me!
Know what I know! You won't,
can't be caught any longer!
They'll praise you, only,
a hero could make it through that,
unscathed, pull your head back out,
now, be that model that we need,
you're out of the cave, now!
It was too hot to sleep so I decided to write instead. Tell me what you think. I kind of want to make it a song...mostly to help the double meaning of the last stanza along. It doesn't make any sense if you leave out punctuation here (try it) but in a song it might work out.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Sheep
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2 comments:
Ankit,
This is a powerful poem, and the sheep metaphor holds up throughout quite effectively. You have some good lines, as well as some phrases that pack a punch ("adolescent witch hunt," for example).
My main suggestions are technical. Firstly, why "a wool" and not just "wool"? Next, the syntax of the last line of the first stanza ("Still,/living in that dreaded era") is a little unclear; I don't quite know what you mean. Your punctuation is a little off throughout, especially the seemingly random commas. You misuse the ellipses a few times. Also, you overuse exclamation points; sometimes, some of your lines will be more powerful if you just state them instead of exclaiming them. Lastly, I have some alternative line-break suggestions. I'm going to paste my workshopped version of your poem below:
He wakes up today,
his face covered in wool.
All the same to him. For too long
he has been living in his damn
fiction-cloaked reality. Forgot
that this was his way,
his idea to get through that
adolescent witch hunt. Still living (?)
in that dreaded era.
His sweater that disguised his body
now covers his mind and soul;
His being that still lives
under it all. How I long
to tear that fucking costume!
Free him of the herd!
Pull him out, as if from a womb!
Knowing he's there rips at me.
My friend, come back to me!
Know what I know! You won't,
can't, be caught any longer.
They'll praise you, only a hero
could make it through that
unscathed--pull your head back out!
Now, be that model that we need,
you're out of the cave, now.
I like the cave reference at the end, by the way. Overall, I think you're really growing as a poet. Hope this was helpful :)
Ok, regarding the syntax comments, you're mostly right. Wool intead of a wool works just fine, and still living in that dreadful era could do without a comma...and really is just an extension on the last part. My point there was to enforce that he never took off the costume and instead let it take him over. Basically, I agree with the workshopped version except where you change the last stanza. I feel like that should be left as it is because depending on how the reader takes apart the commas, that could mean so many different things, which I wanted, and which is why I want it to be a song over just a poem.
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