Jeez, I'm on a roll. Thoughts? Especially regarding the first couple lines or the title.
I've always
Played it safe,
Never daring
To reach out
For fear of being
Pulled
Or pushed
Over the edge.
But the world is
On the other side.
So I jump.
And hope there's a net
To catch me.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Cliff
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5 comments:
Ankit, in my opinion, this is the best poem you've written in a long time. I really like it.
It's concise, sincere, and the tension created by the short lines mirrors the speaker's anxiety about the cliff really well. I think the first couple lines are great, and the way you end it works perfectly.
I don't know about the title--maybe "Jump" would work better than "Cliff"?
Good job!
I was really happy with it, too. It kind of just came out (splurt). The title I made up as I was posting/saving it. The reason I picked it is because that's kind of where I imagined the speaker as I was writing it (the edge...other side...kind of like a canyon). I'm not sure how I feel about Jump, but yeah, I'm not too happy about the title. You and Josh both seem to think the first two lines work fine. I guess I'm just crazy :P
I really like the simplicity in your language here. It makes the image very effective.
I enjoyed this poem a lot, but I think the title "Cliff" is a little misleading; perhaps somethig like "The Edge" or "Leap" or even "Jump" would be better.
How do people feel about "Chasm"? I think I like "Leap", too, but I really don't like "Jump" and I don't know why
I'm in love with "Jump" as the title. I don't like "Leap." And even though I suggested "Chasm" I don't really like that either. It's just a cool word. And rhymes with orgasm. You should call it "Orgasm in a Chasm".
No. Don't do that. I was just kidding. Call it "Jump". But I will create a drink and name it Orgasm in a Chasm and I will dedicate it to you.
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