This is from the in-club prompt for a parent telling a child about "the facts of life." Enjoy!
“Well son, sometimes two people, when they are old enough and love each other very much or pay enough, share a special hug. For the purposes of this conversation, we’ll refer to this hug as a happysicle. Now a happysicle occurs between all sorts of people, sometimes even a whole big group of them at once, we’ll get to those kinds of things later when we reach the kitty bar in Vegas in two hours.
But you see, when a man and women have a happysicle, the woman’s belly will grow and grow until she regrets ever having that 5th tequila, and then she’ll yell at the man for forgetting to bring home the mint chocolate chip ice cream she was screaming at him to get two hours ago while the man was trying to have another happysicle with his secretary.
But ultimately a tiny new-born baby will pop out of the woman’s no-no spots, one day growing up to be a full-grown and mature adult such as myself. And that is precisely how you arrived on this fair earth; ice cream, secretary, and all. Now quick, drink the rest of this beer, I think I see a cop car coming up behind us.”
Thus begins the blurred, sometimes awkward, adventures of Damien “Did you want another shot with that?” Joel and his eight-year-old son, Jacques-de-Napoleon Joel (yes, Damien was drunk at his son’s birth).
Jacques’ mother had left the pair two years after the boy’s birth under the cough-syrup influenced impression that Damien was having an affair with a chicken sandwich. She was later quoted as saying, “That fucking sandwich can have my son, he’s the offspring of that chicken fucker anyways.”
Damien, in fact, was in a multitude of relationships and one-night-stands over the course of his marriage to the mother, often times forced to hide a lover under his bed when his wife would arrive. This would often lead to midnight threesomes in which the wife was unaware that Damien was simultaneously having sex with her as well as another woman in the middle of the dark.
On the horizon, the strip shined brightly, beckoning the two towards its sinful innards. God help us all.
3 comments:
I thought this was brilliantly funny. Awesome work. Is it by any chance part of a longer piece? Because if it is (and it should be), I'd like to read the rest of it.
This is absolutely insane. I love it. This is the kind of insanity that I search high and low for. You have just made my life better.
I agree that this kind of energy and ridiculous-ness would also be appropriate for a longer piece, should you choose to write one. Try it!
"This would often lead to midnight threesomes in which the wife was unaware that Damien was simultaneously having sex with her as well as another woman in the middle of the dark."
I don't know why, but this seems like it's straight out of the mind of García Márquez. It's positively magical-realist.
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