At the sound of her heels click-clacking on the green-tiled floor, heads look up to assess the newcomer. At the sight of her, gazes are dropped instantly, out of respect for her dress. Like stars on the night of the new moon, Swarovski crystals illuminate the deep black of her abaya. Rich folds fall over face, covering the slight immodesty that even the most conservative of women allow themselves. The hem of her robe sweeps the floor and men avert their eyes, ignoring the fact that it covers four-inch stilettos and a killer figure wrapped in revealing, expensive designer-wear.
A few eyes glance furtively at her, wondering perhaps, how fine her hair is, what the colour of her eyes is, or what the shape of her mouth is like. The scent of the finest oud surrounds her like an aura, enveloping her in a dream of sensual Turkey, or erotic Egypt. But the men speak respectfully towards her, their gazes lowered - their shoes a poor alternative to the mysterious persona.
A glimpse of her black-swathed visage sends a jolt through their hearts. The enigma of her face consumes them with curiosity and desire. Her husband must be a lucky man, the onlookers think. To discover her would be like receiving manna from Heaven.
And then they are rewarded. A delicate hand peeps out from the folds of the robe. A soft wrist sends shivers through their bodies. Her skin, white and ethereal, disappears as fast as it materialized leaving those around her believing that it was nothing but a dream...
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Veils
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7 comments:
This is extremely effective and well-written, with excellent visual descriptions.
Only one thing confused me--does the robe completely cover the killer figure and clothing? If so then the men can't see them and would not be able to ignore them.
The images are very effectively written, and I like the way that the tension is built by this mystery and wondering.
I think that the killer figure could be hinted at through the folds of her robe, and maybe that should be stated to clear up the phrase. Also, I feel that as soon as we are introduced to the woman, our eyes are forced to the floor so we can't really see the details we are given. You could play around with the perspective a bit with this piece, maybe getting into the woman's head even, tell us how she responds to this type of attention. Or you could take it in the perspective of one of the men who looks just a little longer than the rest and sees this immense mystery owning the room.
Sorry it's taken me so long to comment on this, Jassem.
Honestly, I think this story is a fine illustration of why some women might find it preferable to adhere to strict codes of dress than to the skimpy norms of modern fashion. Does this woman wear dress conservatively in order to escape being treated like an object by ogling menfolk? Would I, were I her? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, though, it's an interesting point of view that this story hints at very effectively.
Here are a couple suggestions, since all praise and no suggestions makes Jack a dull boy:
"At the sight of her, gazes are dropped instantly" -> "Gazes are dropped instantly at the sight of her", or perhaps "Men drop their gazes instantly at the sight of her". Is putting prepositional phrases in front of verbal phrases characteristic of Indian English?
Do the men ignore the fact that her robe conceals a killer figure wrapped in revealing, expensive designerwear, or are they ignorant of that fact?
"wondering perhaps, how fine her hair is, what the colour of her eyes is, or what the shape of her mouth is like." -> "wondering, perhaps, as to the fineness of her hair, or the colour of her eyes, or the shape of her mouth." I think it flows better if you get rid of some be-verbs.
And say NO to final ellipses!
Thanks guys. That was extremely helpful. I'm definitely going to look into that.
*sigh* MUST I get rid of the final ellipses?
Carolyn, yeah it is completely covered, but the men know that they're there, and try to ignore THAT fact. I've tried to clear it up though.
Jeremy, I am going to fiddle around with trying to hint at the figure and whatnot, but I felt that "A few eyes glance furtively at her.." clears up the perspective thing. Do you think so, or do you feel it requires more?
Jamal, I do like the way your suggestions make it flow better, which is why I'm changing it, but do YOU think that's characteristic of Indian English, hmm?
Folks, I'm reposting it. Tell me of you have any more feedback, or of you like parts of the original better. Cheers!
At the sound of her heels click-clacking on the green-tiled floor, heads look up to assess the newcomer. Gazes are dropped instantly at the sight of her, out of respect for her dress. Like stars on the night of the new moon, Swarovski crystals illuminate the deep black of her abaya. Rich folds fall over face, covering the slight immodesty that even the most conservative of women allow themselves. The hem of her robe sweeps the floor and men avert their eyes, aware of the fact that it covers four-inch stilettos and a killer figure wrapped in revealing, expensive designer-wear. The abaya clings to her torso, delicately outlining the shape of her body, flowing out at the hips to create a swirl of confidence or a flow of modesty, as required by the situation. Yes, the men are conscious of her womanhood, yet even more conscious of the purpose of the veil.
A few eyes glance furtively at her, wondering, perhaps, as to the fineness of her hair, or the colour of her eyes , or the shape of her mouth. The scent of the finest oud money can buy surrounds her like an aura, enveloping her in a dream of sensual Turkey, or erotic Egypt. Yemen's pride and Oman's ruggedness are echoed in her haughty stance and her firm, purposeful movements. But the men speak respectfully towards her. With their gazes lowered, their shoes are a poor alternative to the mysterious persona.
One man in the corner of the room has the audacity to keep his fixed on her over his newspaper. A glimpse of her black-swathed visage sends a jolt through his heart. The enigma of her face consumes him with curiosity and desire. Her husband must be a lucky man, the onlooker thinks. To discover her would be like receiving manna from Heaven.
And then he is rewarded. A delicate hand peeps out from the folds of the robe. A soft wrist sends shivers through his body. Her skin, white and ethereal, disappears as fast as it materialized leaving him believing that it was nothing but a dream.
Please don't abuse this:
If you update a post significantly, you can always change the date and time of posting. Go to "edit post" and then click on "Post options" next to the Labels box. Change the post time and date to something newer. This will move your post to whenever you changed the time. If your post was on an older page, this will bump between the time to which you changed your post and the original post time, so keep that in mind when manually dating.
I find this useful because then I don't have to create a new post for an edited piece, so all the comments stay, too.
Note: PLEASE DO NOT USE THIS JUST TO BUMP YOUR PIECE! ONLY USE THIS FOR SIGNIFICANTLY EDITED PIECES.
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