Monday, October 08, 2007

Rolling out of bed

I moved two lines from the middle to the end, does it work better now? I want to think it does, then again...I wrote it, I'm biased, aren't I?

[Rolling out of bed]

Rolling out of bed,
rain's falling,
the window pane is
covered in drops
that look like tears.
Go out for lunch,
soup and crackers,
jazz at the
Corner Street Cafe.
How nice to pretend
it's the end of the world.
There's not a sound,
a walk in the rain
shows the quiet inside.
There's nothing to do,
I've forgotten it all.

It's cold,
but the baptized streets
are nice to feel.


Ankit said...

I would have to say, I like it a little better with the lines moved :)

Nadia said...



Manisha said...

Yeah, this actually made a considerable difference. It seems to flow better now.

Jeremy L said...

The flow is great- I didn't see the original version, but I definitely think this is the way it should be.

I like the idea of the solitude that the falling rain offers- I can picture a curtain of rain blocking everything else out.

Good work.