Written and workshopped this summer, edited slightly since then.
The staccato rhythm of rain on the windowsill
Keeps me trapped inside
Because at the moment, this isn't as bad
As having wet sneakers
I stare at the curve of your forehead
Yearning to plant a gentle kiss on it or even
Just caress it with the affection I feel
I've always felt
But I know the rules
That's not okay anymore
You've fallen asleep on the couch
As you're so fond of doing
And are oblivious to the familiar sounds of
Jack McCoy putting away another killer
In a happier world
I would give you that kiss, or that caress
And you would ask me to spend the night
Or at least the rain would fade away
And I could walk home in peace
I'd settle for an umbrella, to be honest
But in this world
I gaze longingly at your lips for
Just a few more seconds
And I walk out into the rain
As I ease the door shut, I idly wonder
Why the raindrops taste like salt tonight
4 comments:
this is lovely. i like the feeling of longing in this poem.
however, i felt the line "i'd settle for an umbrella, to be honest" a little out of place. seems to break the melancholy sort of.
i like this poem!
I really like this. Those last lines were gorgeous.
It could use a little work on its rhythm and flow, but I feel a sort of discontinuity at points that could perhaps mirror the rain.
I like how you've juxtaposed your observations with slightly disjointed thoughts.
"As I ease the door shut, I idly wonder
Why the raindrops taste like salt tonight"
This is good sappy. Maybe even great sappy. It's creative and actually a bit moving, and it honestly seems like it's not been done before (though maybe it has, I'm not well-versed in love poetry).
"Yearning to plant a gentle kiss on it or even
Just caress it with the affection I feel
I've always felt"
I think this is bad sappy, and really the only weak point I see in the poem. Yearning to plant gentle kisses and caressing things with affection is kind of old hat. I don't really have any specific suggestions (I suck at poetry that isn't about killing people while alliterating), but I'd rewrite these lines if I were you.
The good, unique, creative stands out- "staccato rhythm" "wet sneakers" "Jack McCoy putting away another killer"
Push the envelope more. Be bold brave out there. That does not mean "gaze longingly" or "yearning". These things have been done so many times in love poems or poems in general that they have become filler. It's the new ways of doing things that will catch the eye.
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